I Want Me

I realized a while ago that I have put so much of my worth in what other people thought of me. My self esteem would go up and down depending on whether or not someone liked me or thought I was "good".

Let me tell you a cringe story. When I was in the 3rd or 4th grade, I took part of the spelling bee. I made it past a few rounds so I was over the moon but I didn't make it to the national level because I spelled diabetes wrong (that word whooped my ass for a while but we good now). I'll never forget how devastated I was. I felt like I finally was going to be able to do something good that I could tell my family but now I was out of the competition so I lied to them. I told my mom and siblings that I made it to the national level and would be competing. I got a little bit of praise but of course soon after my house of lies came crashing down and the guidance counselor got involved. I got teased at home about it for a while and eventually we moved on but I still remember it as clear as day. I understand more now why I did that though I still cringe about it.

Ever since I was little girl, I tried to make myself more desirable to others. Family, friends and as I got older, romantic interests. And each time that I would fail to make them see me, to love me as I am, to choose me and they didn't, I would spiral. I felt like just another weirdo that everybody threw away or didn't want to prioritize and nobody wanted to keep. Then I would get emotional and that's a whole other story (enter a super awkward emo phase).

It felt like every relationship I got into was just a repeat of trying to make someone choose or want me. I would treat them in the best way possible in the hopes that they saw that I was worthy and that they would treat me good as well but it never ended up that way, not for long anyways. I would lament and cry and wonder why nobody ever wanted me. I wanted to feel desirable and loved but nobody wanted me.

After my last romantic relationship, I had that feeling of sadness. How can someone go from "not being able to keep their hands off of you" to not wanting to spend time with you? From "you're my favorite person" to "I thought I wanted a future with you but now I don't"? Talk about heartbreaking. Anyone would think "what the hell did I do wrong?" And I did think that. For a loooooong while. I was like maybe I was clingy, maybe I was not as good of a lover or partner that I thought I was. Maybe I'm overestimating my value. Then I had an epiphany. None of that matters. The fact is that, sure he didn't want me and I'm sad about it sometimes and it fucking sucks but I have to want me and that's what matters more. 

I can't wait to be accepted and loved, in the fullness of who I am, by others. I have to want me and I have to choose the people that choose me even when it's not convenient for them. The part of me that's "extra" and romanticizes everything. The part of me that talks during shows and movies. The part of me that jokes around and is silly (I'm funny as hell in real life btw). The part of me that is sensitive and empathetic. The part that is hard to forgive others and myself and let go of the past (I'm working on that). The part of me that feels like I'm never wrong sometimes (also working on it). The part of me that's self aware. The part of me that collects hobbies but never has time to do each one fully. The part of me that has seasons of not wanting much human interaction. I want me and that's going to have to be enough.

Moving forward, I choose me and prioritize myself above all else. I hope I never lose sight of that.

Until next time,

B